No Offense
So imagine, if you will, a grand new conference consisting of members of the disability community of all stripes. At our conference, we would have parents of children with disabilities, we’d have both kids and adults with disabilities, we’d have teachers and therapists and doctors. We would have writers and journalists who have written about disability issues, and we’d have politicians and policy makers as well. This conference of ours would welcome all, and it would be a model of inclusion.
This mythical conference of ours would have only one rule.
No one would be allowed to be offended.
Now, of course, that’s not strictly possible. Of course people would be offended; if the exchange of opinion were to flow freely, someone would be almost certain to find offense at something. But at this conference, no one would be allowed to stand up and say “That is offensive, the thing you just said!” No one would be able to clothe themselves extravagantly in their their hurt feelings. If you didn’t like what someone had to say, you would be free and in fact strongly encouraged to debate the merits of their position. But our conference’s one rule would mean that standing on the marble platform of deep and personal offense would not be allowed. The first person to express outrage and offense would be booed out of the hall, and their box lunch privileges would be revoked.
Imagine it. No one silenced, no one dismissed as ableist or privileged or entitled without being truly heard. No one would be called out for the way they made their argument, for the tone they used or the words they chose to represent themselves. No self-advocate would be allowed to rally their troops to have a parent’s words removed from the public record because they didn’t agree with them, and therefor would be deemed offensive. No parent would be allowed to hide their attitudes and choices behind a hallowed wall of “how dare you” indignation. No one at this conference would be allowed to mock someone else’s pain because they found it offensive, and therefore fair game for abuse.
No one’s perspective would be dismissed because their history renders them privileged and therefore inherently offensive. No one’s opinions would be ignored because of a neurological stumbling block or social impediment that might render their presentation to come across as, well, you know. Offensive. No one would be silenced because of who they were and what they might psychologically represent to another person, before they ever said a potentially offensive word.
No sputtering outrage. No gasping expression of deep injury. No “Well, I never!”, scented hanky lifted dramatically to the forehead.
And most of all, nothing would be prevented from being expressed out of fear of what our kids might think when they read them one day. These kids, the strongest and most pragmatic human beings any of us have ever known, they wouldn’t be protected from offense. They’ve fought big battles. Protecting them from possible offense isn’t like keeping them away from rattlesnakes. At the No Offense Conference, we would grant them the courtesy of deciding for themselves what they think of what parents and self-advocates alike say about them. At this conference, we might even assume that most of them already know.
It sounds impossible, I know. (When you arrive at the conference, take care not to step in the unicorn poop outside the convention center.) And yet, in this atmosphere of raw expression without fear or threat of offense, what might we learn? What might happen to the avenues of communication that could open up when we all stopped building walls and entrenching our positions, and instead just listened to each other? It’s possible that the whole thing would degenerate into chaos. That’s probably where the safe money would be bet. But it’s also possible that, stripped of our armor and our defensiveness and our haughty insistence that we are absolutely right and whoever disagrees with us is ignorant or a bigot or hateful or abusive or any of the other things that are thrown around so much these days, in this environment we might actually begin to understand.
There is so much offense in the disability community. It’s the one resource we never run out of. It’s flows from the bitterest parts of ourselves, the most sanctimonious and isolated regions of our souls. We’ve all been hurt so much by so many things, and only some of them stem directly from disability. It’s an impractical waste of time and effort to be offended by a seizure, or a developmental delay, or a crippling social anxiety. Getting indignant with a wheelchair doesn’t accomplish a thing. But that guy on that website who said that thing we didn’t like, and used that language that we disagree with? We can sure as hell choose to be offended by THAT.
But just imagine if we didn’t.
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About The Author
Julia Roberts
Julia Roberts is founder of Support for Special Needs and has been a regular contributor since its inception in May 2010. A mom to two kids with special needs, she didn't want other parents to feel what is the often isolating world of raising a child (or two!) with disabilities. Her kids had kidney transplants at the age of eight and will need liver transplants in the future as a result of ARPKD/CHF. They both have vision disorders and learning disabilities.
I am not easily offended myself. I realize we all come from different walks of life. I can, however, see why folks get their back up. Parents like us are sooooo on the defensive. We’re constantly fighting for our kids, constantly fighting against perceptions and criticisms and the like. So we have our Irish up, even when we shouldn’t. And at a Special Needs conference we shouldn’t be offended. No one is there for the sole purpose of hurting our feelings. But we feel so much hurt already so it’s easy to see why…
I’m so with you on this one.
PREACH! A friend of mine who works in online community management mentioned that she’d been offered a position setting up a community for parents of children with all types of special needs and asked me to shoot holes in the idea as an exercise. The first thing I said was “parents of children with special needs are difficult as HELL to work with, what with all the offense-taking.” I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that everyone is VERY invested in feeling like they’re doing the right thing for their kid, and then if someone else is doing something different and suggests THAT instead…well. Nobody wants to feel like they’re screwing up, y’know? All of the fits of the vapors seriously get in the way of the exchange of important ideas; if we could all let go of that it would be to our kids’ benefit. This post made me giggle.
You’re right, we are all so deeply invested, either in what we are advocating for our kids (while trying not to screw them up, which is of course what every parent both fears and does on some level), or in being taken seriously and given respect if we have disabilities ourselves. Out of that comes the entrenchment, which is totally understandable but which in the end smothers the conversation. I’m as guilty of it as anyone. I’d like to stop, too.
I feel like the Internet is good at producing lots of two things: porn and outrage. And one of those is a lot less fun than the other.
At risk of being glib, that conference sounds way too happy & constructive to be any fun.
I assume we’d all really cut loose at the after party.
Robert, you hit the nail square on the head with this post. After witnessing an unpleasant exchange via Twitter last night between two parents I was reminded of just how dangerous it is to own your words and feelings. It seems that no matter what anyone says about ANYTHING in the disability community is not only open to interpretation but open to public verbal flogging as well from those that disagree.
I wanted very much to write about this today and I still might but I have to say that what you wrote here completely sums up my feelings.
Thank you!
I hope you WILL write about it. I’d very much like to get your perspective.
Thank you! I did write about it on my blog located here:
http://www.extremeparenthood.com/2012/02/this-is-my-reality.html
I feel like I am relatively new to the special needs parenting community. My boys are only 3 1/2 and we are still trying to figure out the ins and outs of it all.
I have found it difficult to find my place because one of my boys is “not as autistic” as people think autistic should be and because of this that and the other.
I like the sound of your conference. I like the idea of being able to talk and listen without being judged and taken offense to.
Is it too much to ask to just be listened to…and heard? This journey has already changed me…like it has everyone who has ever walked the special needs path. It has changed me for the better and for the worse I think.
I work harder to not take offense now because it hurts when others take offense. Sign me up for your conference!
It’s hard not to take offense when the topics are so personally and the stakes are so high. I know that I am absolutely as guilty as anyone in this. My high horse is not a very impressive steed.
I have found that in the 8 years that my HFA guy has been alive, I have learned to say “The hell with you” if someone takes offense to what I have to say. I am all for personal opinions and being able to express yourself. But when someone has taken offense to something that I have said or done to help keep my child safe and on the right track, then they are not only ignorant but missing out on what a wonderful experience it can be to know a child with special needs. This post is very well written. I would love to attend a conference like this.
So many people have forgotten to separate disagreement with offense. You can disagree without being offended. Really. In fat, many more subtle divisions of thought and reaction have been lost, and with them, the ability to communicate and debate effectively- and to learn productively.
I wonder (as a parent of an NT daughter) and a 30 year professional working with kids and adult with disabilities, if the internet isn’t a big part of the problem? People communicate much differently when they see the actual person in front of them. There are so many nuances to “in person” communication that can’t carry over into text that something is bound to be lost or misinterpreted in the “translation”. Just a thought. Michele
Sign me up! I’ll wear my unicorn poop repellant boots.
When you said on your blog that you might “ever so slightly regret posting” this, I thought “Ok. Now we’re getting to the Real Deal.” If something is truly controversial and not just sensational, it is the stuff of life and is most likely what we really do need to talk about. So, bravo and no regrets, yo! 😉
Reading this somehow made me think of a book I saw recently via BigThink.com. (big stinkin’ link below) Seems like a similar situation/struggle/method/humorous but slightly serious way of changing the game?
http://bigthink.com/ideas/42626?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+bigthink%2Fmain+%28Big+Think+Main%29&utm_content=Google+Reader
When you said on your blog that you might “ever so slightly regret posting” this, I thought “Ok. Now we’re getting to the Real Deal.” If something is truly controversial and not just sensational, it is the stuff of life and is most likely what we really do need to talk about. So, bravo and no regrets, yo! 😉
Reading this somehow made me think of a book I saw recently via BigThink.com. (big stinkin’ link below) Baratunde Thurston wrote ‘How To Be Black’. Seems like a similar situation/struggle/method/humorous but serious way of changing the game?
http://bigthink.com/ideas/42626?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+bigthink%2Fmain+%28Big+Think+Main%29&utm_content=Google+Reader
You’re absolutely right. We need to try to listen more, and talk less (and to do it face-to-face whenever possible instead of font-to-font). In a lot of the arguments and heated debates online, the sharing of ideas in a constructive way is lost. Willingness to listen to other perspectives is replaced by an intense need to get our own points across. In too many of these discussions, civility has gone out the window, while sarcasm and blame have taken its place.
How about starting off with the ideas that every single person is worth it, and that every individual perspective is valid? Taking it a step further, if the assumption is that all advocates care about the people and ideas they hold dear, and that all advocates are “doing their best” given whatever they have to work with, we’d all be less offended and less defensive.
We have to fight hard enough for our kids, why on earth are we also fighting one another?
What a valuable conversation!
Every year I attend a statewide transition conference in which teens & young adults, parents, educators, public and private agency folks, postsecondary school folks and employers – participate. It lasts several days with many sessions. “Cross systems” conversation is encouraged – and built into the session planning.
Anyway – the teens usually spend a good deal of time with young adult self advocates – learning the ins and outs of self advocacy, developing relationships with one another and having fun.
They are also asked if they’d like to videotape an interview that will be woven together with other interviews into a video presentation for the final plenary session.
Imagine a room full of hundreds of adults (with the diverse roles described) – and multiple video screens – listening to young people expressing their views. Young people who communicate in diverse ways – from assistive technology, to sign to eloquent verbal speach.
Imagine what happens when these young people are asked – separately – what is it you want from your parents, teachers and agency staff?
Imagine listening to a single answer being repeated over and over in different voices from larger than life video screens.
What did the youth request from us adults- each and every one of them?
“LISTEN to ME.”
I will never forget that.
True listening is difficult. It takes practice. We all want what’s best for our kids. Practicing intentional listening….listening to them – and to each other – the very best we can – without taking offense – can make a profound difference in our kids lives.
Thanks so much for your post – and for this conversation!
Being offended is much easier then figuring out the speaker’s perspective and hearing what they are trying to say. Maybe most of the brouhaha is really laziness in disguise.
Sounds like another conference ran and attended only by abled parents, just like all of the others. I sincerely doubt anyone else would feel safe enough to attend.
Interesting to me that you came away with that perception, despite the fact that it’s the opposite of what I describe. I think it’s hard for any of us to let go of our comfortable offense and look past the little fences we’ve constructed in our minds. I have as much trouble with that as anyone else.
So “abled” parents are not safe to be around? I have a hard time believing that this attitude is productive of anything positive. I am a somewhat “abled” parent and I spend much my life working to ensure that my son is safe in the world. Nothing would make me happier than the knowledge that he would be safe without my “abled” parenting. I have lots of other things I could be doing in my spare time. But until then, I will be his “abled” parent and he will (hopefully) be safe.
A good first step to dismissing someone’s position is to demonize them. Of course “abled” parents are safe to be around. Can someone produce anecdotal evidence of unsafe parents? Of course they can. Is it relevant when applied to parents in general? As relevant as any other prejudice, I suppose. It depends on how invested one is in those prejudices.
Dear Guest, I mean this will all seriousness, but I honestly don’t understand what being an “ablest” means. If you could explain it to me I would really appreciate it. (I know what “abled” means obviously, but not how it relates to this conversation and past conversations about this topic and I would like to know). Thank you.
edited to add: a commenter said it is spelled “ableist.”
I’d like to know the answer to that question as well.
That’s a little perplexing.. I was not trying to say “ableist” parents, I meant what I actually said, which was abled parents. People who are not disabled. I thought that was pretty clear?
There are many ways to be safe. There is bodily safety, and then there is safety from having your being and personhood overlooked, insulted, and shouted down.
A place where noone is allowed to be openly offended is a place where abled parents can say whatever hurtful and hateful things they want to without being held accountable. A place where the group that is being discussed is not encouraged, and often not allowed, to speak for themselves. That’s not a place that is going to create a productive dialogue, and that’s not a place where a lot of people are going to want to go.
Guest, I was actually the one that made the jump from “abled” to “ableist” in that I thought those were connected so I was asking, honestly. I have an idea what it means, but I wanted to ask again.
I understand if you are annoyed by my asking it when you weren’t referring to abelist, so I apologize.
I personally do not want to put down, overlook, insult and shut down anyone — I honestly mean this. I guess in reference to your last paragraph I don’t think that was what Rob was really writing about. I am sure he wasn’t trying to say “let none of us get offended so we can say horrible things to each other” I truly think he was saying, “if we leave our being offended at the door maybe we can hear each other, listen, speak without fear — from every angle of the discussion.”
Where do I sign up? Cause I have about had it with either offending someone or someone taking it as an offense. You know what I am offended by in life? Hate, hungry children, homelessness, war, killing, abuse – that all offends me. Disabled/abled, delayed/not delayed – those things and people and statements, don’t offend me in the least. I wish we would all get off our high horses and realize that no one makes it out of this life alive.
This post reminds me of the same comments that I used to hear from white men about African-Americans and women in the office. Like “Geez, you can’t tell a joke anymore without someone getting mad at you.” Or “Women who don’t like compliments about their bodies are just too uptight. You know what they need.” “You don’t wanna make coffee for me? What are you? A “feminist”?
These are real-life, actual quotes.
You can engage in a civil discourse without calling other people’s reactions too sensitive. You can address issues without blaming the other person’s feelings.
The problem in our community is not the *feelings* of being offended just as the problem in the business world was not the feelings of women or African-Americans.
Apparently false equivalency and hyperbole are still fair game.
I think you could make an argument that these examples are useful. Racism, sexism, heterosexism are certainly still with us. People with disabilities have been severely marginalized in Western society for centuries. Institutionalization, sterilization, educational and vocational discrimination, medical experimentation, social isolation, etc., etc. has been the lot of people with disabilities and this is the history they bring to interactions with the world and it’s institutions. The oppressed group is generally more aware of power imbalances than the oppressor group. (No, individuals are not oppressors due to their able-ness, however just as white people must recognize their privilege in order to “see” racism, able people need to recognize their membership in the “power” group and how privilege can make oppression invisible). I don’t feel like the comparison is hyperbolic. Obviously. ha 😉
“Apparently false equivalency and hyperbole are still fair game.” – This is a good example of avoiding the real issue and launching an ad hominen attack. Ad hominen is easier, but it isn’t effective in furthering the dialogue. Going on the offensive also detracts the reader from the original criticism.
Actually, no. It’s an accurate description of what you are trying to do, in my opinion. Saying that my honest reaction to your wildly overstated “he sounds like a racist and a sexual harasser!” hyperbole is nothing more than an attempt to derail the discussion is a pretty cheap way to, well, derail the discussion.
If that’s what you really believe of me, well then, bully for you. But please don’t be so completely dismissive when I call it what I believe it is. There’s nothing ad hominem about calling BS. Sorry, but there’s just not.
Look at what just happened here.
Brenda said: “This post reminds me of the same comments that I used to hear from white men about African-Americans and women in the office.”
and then Rob said: “your wildly overstated “he sounds like a racist and a sexual harasser!”
Do you see what you did there Rob?
You went straight to being offended without really LISTENING to what Brenda said, or engaging with it.
Isn’t that exactly what you were suggesting should stop happening?
Yes, this. People’s words have real meaning in terms of what happens in our lives. Think of the worst thing that’s happened to you and imagine if someone who had way more political, social, and financial power than you were to say, to your face, that that was ok. And then if you show even the least bit of anger and offense in your response, you get booed out of the hall for being offended.
This is exactly what it’s like for many autistic individuals to hear from parents that people like them shouldn’t have been born, or that institutionalization is appropriate for “some people,” or that aversive treatment is an appropriate response to “self-injurious behaviors” that the autistic listener happens to also have.
Of course, it’s also not really great to hear people say to your face that you’re abusing your child, that your behavior shows that you don’t love her, and that your child should be taken away from you, perhaps even that you should go to jail. Or that if you can’t think of better options than what you’re doing for your kid then you’re obviously not trying enough and should never have signed up to be a parent. Those are probably things that at least some parents at such a conference would hear from at least some Autistics. Do you really feel that parents at this conference could manage to avoid feeling offended by everything that autistic participants might say to them?
Are you that deeply invested in your past hurt that you refuse to even entertain the idea of not leading with it in every possible interaction? That saddens me. It truly and deeply saddens me. We’re never going to do more than shout over the walls we’ve built, are we?
Thanks for your concern, but I am fortunate in that I haven’t been subjected to the same kind of abuse that some of my friends have.
That said, if someone brings up a practice that has hurt you in the past and then praises it, and an autistic person responds and says “that happened to me and it was abusive,” how is the autistic person “leading” with their past hurt in every single interaction? To me that sounds just like addressing it when it comes up in a conversation.
You want to avoid simply shouting over walls? Try to actually care about other people’s feelings when you talk around them. That shouldn’t be a novel concept.
(sorry for the mixed pronouns in the second paragraph; I’m tired)
Thank you, that is exactly what is happening here.
I left this message up earlier for someone who brought it up, but thought if they didn’t come back I would put it at the end of the comments.
I mean this will all seriousness and respectfulness, but I honestly don’t understand what being an “ablest” means. If someone could explain it to me I would really appreciate it. (I know what “abled” means obviously, but not how it relates to this conversation and past conversations about this topic and I would like to know).
Thank you.
“Ablest” means, the most able.
I’m guessing the word you are actually asking about is spelled, “ableist” and describes discrimination and prejudice against a person with a disability based on their membership in the group of disability rather than on who they really are as a person. It implies a perspective that sees people with disabilities as “less” than people without disabilities, a view based in stereotypes rather than reality and a belief that “typical” or “able” is the most desirable way of being.
Parallels other terms such as: racist, sexist, audist, etc.
Anyone else? 🙂
Also, I can’t agree that trying not to offend people is a bad thing however, I understand the point Rob is making. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like this kind of comment is likely to move understanding forward. Maybe look at it as a venting rant identifying a significant issue rather than a serious suggestion.
Hmmmm–sounds like a Monty Python skit. Is that offensive?
I would LOVE to say I never get offended by anything, ever, but I do. What I do most of the times, though, is bounce the comment/expression/whatever off of someone else and see what they think–most of the time that sets me straight.
And sometimes people tell me that I’ve said something awful, and I agree with them–it’s not all sunshine and rainbows in this skull of mine.
I could not agree more with this: It’s an impractical waste of time and effort to be offended by a seizure, or a developmental delay, or a crippling social anxiety… But that guy on that website who said that thing we didn’t like, and used that language that we disagree with?”
It’s easier to get mad at lots of things and people and posts when caught between fix and accept, understand and fear, love and more love.
I honestly believe this post spoke to all “sides” of the disability community (which is why I ran it) and I don’t understand some of the comments that seem to pull away from the basis of this discussion, which is “in the perfect world, we’d love this…” and wouldn’t it be great if we (and I am including ME in this group) could give people a break, some space, room to mess up, and speak respectfully to each other so we could move discussion past pointing fingers (I’m saying I’m guilty of this, too).
If anyone with a disability ever wants to provide an article on the site, please contact me at Julia @ supportforspecialneeds DOT com. As long as it falls within our community guidelines, I would be proud to run it.
Being allowed to get all huffy and offended is a cherished right of some parents of kids that are… challenged in some form or other.
One such parent who blogs about her son who is a bit… challenging at times (he’s been known to knock her down the stairs, bite her and beat the stuffing out of her) took umbrage at my comment that I felt sorry for the pain they were both experiencing but I couldn’t really understand because my children are normal.
Normal is apparently the N-bomb for parents of “special needs” children.
The outpouring of rage that followed my innocent comment was truly scary. I know a lot of it was displaced anger at being in a crappy situation but it was still frightening.
So much more could be accomplished if people would just lose the huffiness and indignation.
Jill, I know many parents who have intense, challenging kids who would love a comment like that as I have many times when things were more challenging than others.
I get that people need to get through their lives in their own ways, and in fact, I respect it and defend the right, I just don’t like it when we start name-calling, among other things.
So yes, I’m for losing the huffiness and indignation, too.
As owner of this community, I am choosing to shut down the comments on this post. I see that this could turn bad and hurt people and I do not want that. As a community I want all people who come here to feel safe to express something and this has the potential to get out of control. I do not want that to happen.
If you are angry about that and have a point to be made, please email me and I’d be happy to speak with you on the phone and in fact, would welcome it. If there is something you’d like to address in writing, I wish you would and I’m happy to read it, talk live about it and post it if we can come to an agreement of the purpose.
I in NO WAY am trying to shut down anyone, in fact, I’d like to do the opposite. If you have a point, reach out to me. If you would like to work with me on a response to any of the points, I’d love to talk with you on the phone and figure this out. Is there a way to work together? I believe there is.
I really, honestly know that I mess up. I make mistakes. I am sure that on more than one occasion I’ve said the wrong thing, or treated someone badly but I truly did so without knowing. I’m looking to grow and learn when I ask questions. I welcome private, live or email conversations with anyone who wishes to do so respectfully. Google hangout anyone?
Julia
Julia AT supportforspecialneeds DOT com and I’m happy to provide some times we could talk and my phone number.