They walk among us!
(WASHINGTON DC) – Noted cryptozoologist and science blogger Dr. Garth Pooht has released a paper in the science journal Stuff About Stuff that hopes to debunk once and for all the rumored existence of the mythological cryptid known as “the special needs father”.
“I’ve done extensive research on this matter,” said Dr. Pooht, from his office in his mother’s basement, “and despite the persistence of rumors claiming that there are fathers out there who actually get involved in the education, therapy and care of their children with disabilities, the internet-based evidence strongly suggests that these cases are so rare as to make the consistent existence of this creature extremely unlikely. Many of these reported incidents no doubt represent cases of ‘feel good about dad’ stories from special needs moms, who as we know are the only truly vital caretakers in the lives of these kids. And some may be intentionally perpetrating this hoax.”
Dr. Pooht, the acclaimed author of My Dinner with Bigfoot and Jet Skiing on Loch Ness, does not discount the possibility that in extremely rare cases, special needs fathers may occasionally step up to complete simple tasks, provided that they have been given detailed and repeated instructions on how to do so by their spouses. “You would be surprised at some of the basic commands some of the more clever fathers can learn, with a lot of patience and hard work from the mother. But as always, it is mostly a testament to the near superhuman strength and skill of the special needs mother that can very occasionally compel the father of the species to get off the couch and do anything. And of course, this is virtually unheard of during football season.”
Dr. Pooht will be signing copies of his books at the Kinkos on 17th and Elm on Sunday at 4 pm.
AUTHORIZED WIRETAP TRANSCRIPT,
MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURES FRIDAY NIGHT POKER GAME
(excerpt)
BIGFOOT: So yeah, I am so tired of the blurry photos. Can I just say?
LOCH NESS MONSTER: Aye, don’t even get me started. Don’t any of these new camera phones have the capability to focus?
BIGFOOT: Right? Did you see the last one in the Inquirer? Not flattering. It made my butt look like a beanbag. Please tell me I don’t look like that.
YETI: No way, man. The camera adds a couple hundred pounds. And the fur. Hey, who’s the new guy?
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: Hey, everyone. Thanks for letting me in on the game.
LOCH NESS MONSTER: Not a problem. We had a spot open up after Chupacabra got spotted passed out on the beach and went back to rehab.
YETI: That dude’s got a problem. Fame has messed him up.
BIGFOOT: So what’s your beef this week? We like to talk shop. It’s hard, being a cryptid.
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: You mean besides the usual string of online articles about how special needs mothers are doing God’s work, all by themselves? And the dearth of writing at all about special needs fathers? Google “special needs moms” and “special needs dads” and see what you get. I only WISH someone would take a blurry picture of me at my kid’s IEP meeting.
BIGFOOT: Wait, you go to those? I didn’t think fathers were even allowed.
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: That’s the thing. I’ve been to every single one of those meetings, along with every single doctor’s visit and every therapy session. I spent two nights in the hospital with my kid, I never left the room. And every time, every SINGLE time, I get that look that says “What are you doing here?”
YETI: I get that a lot during the Everest climbing season.
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: If I go up to the school and meet with a teacher, I get handed instructions and reports and told to “give these to Mom and tell her blah blah blah.” Same thing when I call for tech support for my daughter’s assistive tech. “Oh, Mom must be busy saving the world. When she comes down from Valhalla next time, show her how to reset the system.”
YETI: Dude. You’ve kind of got some issues.
LOCH NESS MONSTER: No, I totally get it. That’s not right. Do they ever come at you in wee little submarines?
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: Well, no. Not really. But still. Last time I had to go find my own chair.
BIGFOOT: Man, I totally get how you feel. You’re suffering from a persistent narrative. I get the same thing. Have you seen my Wikipedia entry? “Bigfoot is commonly reported to have a strong, unpleasant smell by those who claim to have encountered it.” Really? That’s just hurtful.
LOCH NESS MONSTER: I got called a piece of driftwood.
YETI: I’m still trying to live down that Bass-Rankin “Bumble” thing.
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: How do you guys keep doing what you do? This is starting to wear me down a little.
BIGFOOT: The thing you have to do is remember why you’re doing what you do, and just keep doing it, regardless of the narrative. I mean, it’s not like special needs moms don’t deserve the good press, right?
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: Of course, they’re awesome!
BIGFOOT: Exactly. Think of yourself as the invisible partner in all this. It does’t matter what society thinks of you. It doesn’t change what your kid knows, or how your family functions, right? Like, I read how one photo of me was actually a bear with mange.
YETI: Ouch.
BIGFOOT: Yeah. Did that sting? Of course it did. I work hard on this coat. I like to think of myself as possessing rich, buttery fur.
SPECIAL NEEDS DAD: It is very nice.
BIGFOOT: Thanks. And I have to have the self-confidence to know that, despite what others may think. I’m not just going to let myself go and stop scaring campers just because someone doesn’t appreciate my hair care regimen. Are you out there, fighting just as hard for your kid? You know you are. And I’ll bet you could rattle off a list of other special needs dads who do the same thing. Just because that social narrative says you’re Homer Simpson doesn’t mean that you are. You guys should just keep doing what you’re doing.
YETI: Hey, are we going to talk all night, or are we going to play poker?
LOCH NESS MONSTER: Just once, I wish we could play Twister or something. I can barely even hold my cards with these stupid little fins.
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About The Author
Rob
Robert Rummel-Hudson is the author of "Schuyler’s Monster: A Father’s Journey with His Wordless Daughter", which tells the story of raising a little girl with a disability and learning to become the father she needs. It was published in February 2008 by St. Martin’s Press.
Psst… the last meeting my Dh attended was when I said to him “You need to atleast see the new classroom (when we moved school’s to self contained at Gr 4 – kid is in Gr 6 now). They need to know you aren’t a myth”. The one before that would have been my eldest son’s dx appt at 2.5yrs of age and he’s turning 13 in a month.
NOW…. before you think I’m pissed or something about it… I got over that long ago. I take my FSW along with me (Comm Living – disability people – not CAS) and I make all the choices.
See…. we have this unwritten, undiscussed agreement… He has an opinion – and he has many of which about 90% I’ve ignored – but no “Say”.
May not work for some families, but it works for us. He plays “Dad” and I stay home (to keep me there he works long hours) and play “Mom” plus all the other roles that are needed to run this house.
It works for us.
If that works for you, then that’s great. Sounds unfortunate to me, though.
I was guilty of shutting my husband out when M was first diagnosed with autism. I’d guess I’m not the only mom to have done this. My background is in child psych and public health, and as a SAHM I had the time to read the books, make the phone calls, and attend the meetings. I’m really grateful my husband spoke up and told me he was feeling left out. In my grief/frustration/mission, I was being a pretty crappy partner.
My husband is a great dad. Being on the spectrum himself, he understands M in a way that I don’t, and M is better off for that. Mark hasn’t been able to attend every IEP or IFSP meeting for the boys, due to work, but he comes to the major ones. We fill out assessments together, and I text or call him after each doctors’ appointment. This year he went to back-to-school night instead of me. Dads deserve equal credit.
That’s fantastic, I’m really glad you guys have found that balance.
This is great. My husband is highly involved with our child’s day to day care – he actually spends more time at home with Junior than I do by a thin margin – and before our current arrangement, worked as a teacher and educational case manager in low income communities for 5 years. He KNOWS kids. But he’s frequently treated as either a moron, a well intentioned child himself, or a non-entity by our pediatrician/preschool/strangers at the grocery store. Dads have to be determined to be treated as equals when it comes to participating in their children’s care even though (in my opinion) kids benefit profoundly when both parents are truly hands on, empowered caregivers.
I think our society has created this “bumbling father” narrative that is even less appropriate for special needs families than for everyone else. It’s a hard current to swim against sometimes.
This is so true…my husband is as involved as can due to a flex schedule and very short commute time. If I died tomorrow, he could take over all of it, even though I’m primary parent. He can do that because he’s been interested in everything along the way.
He and I are equals and I appreciate his voice in all things kiddos related because he certainly is not as reactionary, which, as you know, goes a long way in our world.
Can my husband join your support group? We split the therapy appointments 50/50 so we both know what is going on, we split pick-up from school 50/50 so the teachers see both of us. The only thing I do more of is keep track of appointments and meds. Because for some reason I am the only one who can keep track of who is going where and when. BTW He even does the laundry :0 One of his biggest gripes is when some one will say, Oh you are babysitting today?
Keep up the good work. Schuyler’s lucky to have TWO involved parents!
I think the “babysitting” remark is wildly offensive, and yeah, I think we all hear it WAY too often.
I wish my husband was offended by the “babysitting” comment – he and my brother-in-law actually USED that word to describe their time with the kids and my sister and I are extremely offended when anyone uses that word about a father taking care of HIS OWN kids. They know to choose their words more carefully now but it’s still like pulling teeth to get them to pay attention to what needs to be done for the kids. It’s exhausting and although I do continue to try to get my husband involved more with the kids, often it’s just easier to do it myself (which I’m sure just perpetuates the situation). Maybe he’s just missing the caretaker gene, or maybe it’s his up bringing and societal influence, but I’m really pretty sick of it. Anybody have any suggestions for encouraging dad to be more involved without nagging???
I think I got the babysitting comment a lot more when my kids were little, like under 5. They are 6 and 8 now and I don’t get much anymore.
I am a teacher for students with special needs and am so glad that I didn’t realize that I should be down talking to the dad’s that are involved! I am pleased to say that this year alone I have already spoken and/or met 4 dads of my 16 total students! And with the others some could just be that I haven’t spoken to them, not that they won’t be there for IEPs etc. Thanks for standing up for dads everywhere!
I have some amazing fathers in my room this year! For both boys and girls as they age, that role model is so important, especially since most of the other role models in special education (teacheers, paras, etc,) tend to be female. They need to see what men are supposed to act like, so if someone comes along who tries to take advantage of them, they will understand that is not right because they have something positive to compare it to.
Funny to read but all too sad that it is often true. You are so right that dads get the shaft so often in the media in general, let alone special needs dads. My husband is very involved and will go on field trips with our daughter, take her to doctors and therapists, etc. I am a former teacher and have stayed at home with the kids more so I suppose on some level I am the primary caretaker, but he does a lot and does it well. Now that I went back to school he has stepped up to the plate even more.
Have any of you ladies ever found this to be true? I tend to be somewhat emotional, especially about my daughter, and sometimes I feel that our concerns are taken more seriously by the teachers/doctors, etc. if my calmer, less emotional hubby is along. I admit I sometimes cry when I get emotional. I feel like they sometimes act like “here is the hysterical woman, maybe I don’t need to take her seriously, but OH BOY, the rational father feels that way too?! Hmmmm, maybe we had better start listening!!!”
Perhaps I am just reading into their reactions, but at times I feel like this. We definitely try to BOTH go together when it is a really big meeting with big decisions to be made.
Carrie T.
As someone who was primarily raised by my father (my mother died when I was very young) I was baffled when I got old enough to be aware of the widespread social belief that dads are essentially useless. It still shocks and irritates me whenever I come across this socially constructed myth, even though it happens fairly often. When I worked as a preschool teacher, there was a boy in one of the classes who was having some behavior problems, and I heard more than one teacher suggest it was because his mom worked too much and wasn’t involved enough. She was a physician, and actually a wonderful mother, his dad just did more of the drop-offs and pickups because his schedule allowed it. I pointed out more than once that if it had been the other way around, and his dad had been the one with the more demanding work schedule, no one would have thought anything of it. The little boy was a great kid who was going through a rough phase, and idea he was getting somehow short-changed or developmentally stunted because his father did more of the day-to-day tasks was offensive to me on multiple levels: as a feminist, as someone whose father did ALL of the day-to-day tasks (and remarkably, I avoided becoming a sociopath . . .), and also as someone who wants to be both a doctor and a mom someday. I will need my husband to be a 50-50 partner in parenthood, and will certainly expect my child(ren)’s teachers, doctors, etc. to treat him as such. Thanks so much for making this very important point, Rob. You’re awesome.
I am a single dad, my wife left 7 months ago. My son has expressive/receptive language disorder and developmental delays. My wife sees them on weekends but I am the one who takes them to school and picks them up. All the staff at the school are very supportive and I have not gotten a lot of the idiot dad response at school, but I do in the community a bit. What bothers me is the media, and commercials and they way they portray fathers in general, not only special needs dads. I hope at some point they will realize that propagating this myth is actually causing it to happen. Men need a positive sense of self, especially those who do have a more domestic role, we are not effeminate we are compassionate and that is not the same thing.