The Destruction in Life with Special Needs
I mean it. Literally.
I searched for this photo for a friend who has a child going through similar issues with their child as Gage had with rage and damage.
This is us repairing one of the walls that were damaged during one of the many rages that Gage had during the rough years. The years he couldn’t contain his rage and it often resulted in damaged walls, doors, carpet, appliances, books, doorknobs, toys, furniture, mattresses, and well, you get the idea.
When we were through the dark times Gage asked me if I knew what he’d damaged and how much it all cost and I have to say, I was afraid to tally it up. At least a couple of thousand, which sounds so much better than $3k-$5K which is probably closer if you add up everything including clothing and food that was thrown and wasted and let’s not talk about the earning potential of us parents when we were pulled to school and activities to manage his behavior.
I was so ashamed when this was going on that I didn’t talk/blog about it much. I mean, even I thought, “Who can’t control their child enough to save their property?” I might have eluded to the damage but I know I didn’t speak/write about it openly. So much shame is attached to the behavior of our kids. The shame surrounded us about a lot of things, but the damage was such a visual reminder of the pain we were all suffering.
I wanted to hit a wall, too, in all honesty.
It is, as most things in life, easier to deal with when you’re not in the middle of crisis. During that time, we’d just repair and replace what we could, mourn the loss of other things (broken treasures, the list is long) and move on. Now that we’re a few years past that time, it’s easier to look back and know there wasn’t anything we could have done. You know why? Because we were doing everything we could at the time to address the multiple issues swirling and I’m (largely) past living with regret.
This last picture is a perfect representation of how we dealt with it at the time. Just a few short weeks after the destruction, the kids are watching my husband repair the wall. Complete with popcorn and photo taking.
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About The Author
Julia Roberts
Julia Roberts is founder of Support for Special Needs and has been a regular contributor since its inception in May 2010. A mom to two kids with special needs, she didn't want other parents to feel what is the often isolating world of raising a child (or two!) with disabilities. Her kids had kidney transplants at the age of eight and will need liver transplants in the future as a result of ARPKD/CHF. They both have vision disorders and learning disabilities.
Oh, I remember well the day I got the phone call from the school because J had ruined his desk. I’d rather not remember it, but I do. That was hard for both of us to deal with. We were very embarrassed.
It’s the worst to get that call…or from a friend or relative. Well, they’re all bad.
we went through three pair of glasses in two months because DJ flushed then down the commode at school,
We too have (and still are at times) dealing with this. We have lost mini blinds, doors, dishes, keyboards, computer printers, and his favorite thing to rip off the wall – the A/C thermostat. It is SO HARD to open up about that part of our lives and I for one thank you for being willing to share about your experiences. It helps others – like me – realize that this is not a situation that is unique to our son. Things are better now for the most part but it is still embarassing.
Michelle, I was a little afraid to list everything, but like you, so many expensive things ruined. And it IS hard. Even with family and the people who love us. People outside of “it” just can’t grasp how bad it can be. I started taking video to show people close to us. They were horrified, but understood a little better.
My elder son (never labeled with Asperger, but he probably has – was born quite a bit before the dsm 4 – however labeled with something that pretty mcuh meant he melted down) broke windows, walls (we made him learn how to repair that, as he was a teen), a hollow core door……those were not pleasant.
Just thought of it (middle age moment) as “episodic dyscontrol”
That is a good discriptor of a lot of things that have gone on in my house!
Oh thank you for this post. I have 4 kids, 3 are adopted with special needs. My oldest son has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and anxiety disorder and he does this kind of thing. I am embarrassed to have people come to my house because of all of the things he’s destroyed, not in rages but just as bizarre ways of dealing with his anxiety. Last year, we bought new furniture, all of it has some damage to it. When ever I work to improve any one room, it seems to prompt him to damage another area–possibly because my working makes him anxious. I know in my head that other people deal with these issues. I have friends who have adopted kiddos like mine and I know they deal with this. However, reading this post was like a present. Thank you and best of luck with your kiddo!!!
Nicole, I’m so glad to know this post helped you…when we’re in the trenches it’s easy to think we’re the only one which makes me think where the shame was for me.
I feel for you! And best of luck to you!
My Zack , aka @good_bpy_roy twitter, still rages. The destruction to our home has been unimaginable. I can’t even begin to think how msny holes I have patched.
For a long time we kept the patching supplies pretty close by. I feel your pain!
looking for some advise from other parents of special needs children, what have you found to be the best form of discipline to help a child comprehend that he has done something wrong and there are consequences for their actions. DJ tore off the wall heater in the bedroom today trying to reach some of his playing cards that had gotten stuck behind it. We told him that he should have gotten an adult instead of attempting to get them himself, we fixed it and all is well but .. he doesn’t grasp what he did wrong.. my daughter and son in law dont know what to do, he had a melt down a couple of weeks ago, and broke all of his trophies and a picture and then put a hole in the wall.
We worked with a behaviorist really closely and focused on the positive when we could…meaning we praised for all things he was doing right. It was still hard but in some ways because he got praise from us (instead of our always “NO! Stop!”) he started to do better a little bit. Wanting to get more praise from us.
It was basically the premise of recognizing the good instead of the bad (unless it was harmful or destructive behavior) based on a short book Parents are Teachers.
I want to say thank you so much for writing about this. Most people dont understand it, but your writing on this topic has given me comfort, knowing I am not the only parents that has gone through this. I still haveist holes to patch up, an endless list of broken items, injuries ect… Its hard, but I thank you very much for writing this.
Oh Angelina, I know, it’s so hard to talk about and admit and write about. Look, it took me a long time to do it publicly — I mean REALLY claiming it.
You are not alone. Come and join us in the Caregiver Stress, Room for Rants (private) or Behavior groups for support. (Have to be member of site).