Driving away.

If you follow me on twitter and facebook you already know what has happened. For those that don’t, we’ve had to commit Gage to a psych hospital today that serves children.

This has been the hardest day of my life. He’d had, including today, 6 episodes of rage/anger recently and they’d been escalating. Last night and today at school and well, it was so clear that he needed more help than we’ve been giving him with a team of psychiatrist/psychologists and support and love. We needed more and he needed more.

It was a horrible day that involved us watching our child escalate into a manic-like state that shook us to the core. We are not surprised it has come to this, but we are heartbroken for our son. We watched four people restrain him and we watched him weep while swinging his arms and body to try to leave the little in-take room. The last time I saw him they had him in a safe therapy hold on the floor and the last thing I said was “I love you Gage.” The 2nd to last thing I said was, “If you will calm down we can ease up on the hold, baby.”  The absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done was to drive away from that hospital.

They sedated him after many phone calls and pager calls to the transplant team pharmacologist to make sure of what meds would be safe for his transplanted kidney. When we left (4 hours later) they said he was resting. When Julian returned tonight with a bag and his weighted blanket and transplant meds, we heard he was in a “safe room” where he was on one-on-0ne care and very agitated. This very nearly broke my heart, but then I think, I still have a little girl, the sacrificial child a lot of times because of Gage’s highly demanding special needs and my heart has to hold on the breaking for later.

If he can calm down and participate in the semi-real world again, he has a packed day of group and indiv therapy, therapy games, fun activities too. He is in his own room and throughout the night they have checks every 15 min. There are motion sensors at night so he is very, very safe. There are currently 11 kids on the wing between the ages of 4-12.

We cannot see him until Monday (and Wed) for visiting time, but we can call him every night and we can call the nurses throughout the day to check on him. We’re comforted that Sally the Cat is with him and providing some comfort to him because I know he is scared. Julian will probably get a short visit with him tomorrow night (exception) because Julian is going out of town on Friday (through wed). Julian is still going out of town because that is a part of this life – moving on. And at $6250 a week for the hospital (not sure what insurance covers, if any) we need to make sure we are both working.

How’s Quinn you ask? Well, she is unfazed as of today, but when I told her that he was having a lot of trouble with his emotions; something in his brain and were trying to help him she said, “Yeah, he gets mad a lot” and then she said, “When he comes back do you think he will like me again?” Which is also heartbreaking in itself.

Obviously, we are terrified, scared and sad for Gage. But we are also relieved. Relieved that this might help him. We’ve already spoken to the doctor and after review of the files and talking with us they are working on his meds. We’re in constant talk with his other doctors so everyone knows everything.

The in-take psychologist started off on a not-so-great start with me because she saw Gage and Julian in the other room (Julian had him in a hold to control him) and she kind of judgmentally said, “I need to teach you all how to therapy hold.” I calmly said that is fine, but she needed to leave her tone and attitude outside of the room we were in and she needed to realize that we were in crisis, having never seen our son in this state and that she needed to be a little more gentle with her instructions with parents, thankyouverymuch.

We had a long in-take interview with her after Gage was in what I assume was some kind of padded room (seriously) waiting to see what sedative drugs are safe for him to take. I have to say, as parents, in between bouts of tears between both of us, we did okay. We were able to give her a history, talk about triggers (or lack thereof) and rationally discuss his many issues, diagnoses, possible diagnoses, cycles of sadness and rages. She commented that we were very informed parents.

We know this is the right treatment for right now because we have to believe or we would crumble into a heaping bowl of crazy ourselves. He was not safe.

What about Julian? My husband of nearly 16 years, for which my life would be bleak without? Him? He’s an amazing father and husband and I’m lucky to face this mess of our life with his heart, tears, humor and love.

We are asking for all prayers and good thoughts to God and Jesus and Buddha and the Easter Bunny, the Light and the Universe, or any Higher Power you like for extra love, peace and protection for Gage.

Originally posted on the now closed blog Kidneys and Eyes in January 2010.