So, today on Katie’s communication sheet her teacher wrote that if Katie had a good weekend, she could earn two stickers at school.

Katie has a sticker chart, probably like a lot of kids, and she earns stickers for good behavior. After so many (20, I think) she gets to pick a prize. I like that they do that for her, and she looks forward to earning her reward. We do something similar at home, but we use an earned chart and break it into small time-frames in which she can earn laptop or DS or TV time, etc.

The thing is, I am not sure how I feel about her having to do something at home in order to earn stickers at school. When something happens at school, it stays at school. Yes, I am made aware of it, but I strongly believe, as does everyone else, that she shouldn’t be punished at home for something that happens at school. They take care of it, and that’s how it should be. Just as I don’t send in a note each morning asking that she be reprimanded for anything that happens here.

But, now the lines are blurred. Her behavior at home, which has not been spectacular lately, will have consequences outside of the house. Not only will I be the bad guy here, but now I’ll be the bad guy who keeps her form earning stickers at school. This isn’t really a road I want to go down.

Also, I can just about guarantee that by tonight those stickers will already be lost, although I’m fuzzy on the parameters by which I am supposed to judge. I am sure some of you are thinking, “She has already decided Katie won’t earn those stickers! What an awful mother!” But, I am just going by our experiences as of late. Sure, anything is possible and maybe she will be so motivated by those stickers she will do a complete about-face, but I live in a little place I like to call reality.

Another issue I have is that she earns stickers on a daily basis at school, not over the course of several days. This is a 3 day weekend, and so her behavior has to be good for the whole 3 days to earn 2 stickers? I would probably feel better about it if they told me she had the opportunity to earn 2 stickers per day, not for the whole weekend. That’s a lot to put on a kid. I also would have preferred they discussed this plan with me beforehand.

Now, I believe it is so, so important for us and the school to work together as a team. Our IEP on Tuesday will mostly be about how Katie’s anxiety level at school is effecting her behavior at home. But, I don’t think there should necessarily be shared discipline. To me, this feels like them infringing on our parenting, and making home less of a safe haven.

Or, not. But, like I said, I don’t want to be the bad guy in and out of school. And I don’t want to lie, either, just so she can get the stickers. I just feel that I, as K’s mother, should be the one person she can feel comfortable with, and even something as small as stickers is putting me in an awkward position.

Thoughts?

I am sure the teacher didn’t put any thought into it , and I am sure she has good intentions…I just don’t want K to think she can’t trust me at all…

Wow, Jen! I’d definitely feel uncomfortable with that. I’m not sure, exactly how I would handle it since you weren’t given any warning. I assume she told K about the stickers, so what are you supposed to do? We live in the same place (reality) and I know that D could easily lose the stickers by the end of the first night. I would certainly talk to the teacher about it. My iffy-ness comes in that I’m not sure it should be addressed as a part of the IEP since it’s a first time thing. Like someone else said, the teacher probably did not think the whole thing through. I think if you say (depending on your relationship with her), “Hey, this really put me in an awkward position and this is why…” then I would hope the teacher would say, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think of it that way.”

On the other hand, maybe you do want in the IEP that the lines between home and school are not to be blurred. That’s something we are going to be looking at on Tuesday. They want us to not say anything about school, bus, etc to him. They want us to make the line between school and home a bold, solid black line that is not crossed. Yes, I’d tell his teacher if he had a rough morning, yes she will email or in some way let me know if he had something happen at school. We are not using his agenda, though, because it causes him too much anxiety. There will be no visual cues, his discipline will be dealt with at school and I will be notified, but should not talk to him about it unless he brings it up first. They are setting up a time for him at the end of the day to go sit with a ‘safe person’ of his choice (counselor, speech therapist, etc) to do his homework and study for tests. I think we’ll have to put something in the IEP to let the teacher next year know that he has anxiety when the lines get blurred.

(took benadryl and am about to pass out – hope this makes sense LOL)