Navigating Friendships; Kids with Special Needs
This blog post by my friend, and community member Rob Rummel-Hudson was timely. We’ve been struggling with this issue for a long time, but all the life-saving treatments and surgeries for the kids kept us busy enough to have this somewhere in the Top 10 issues we deal with as a result of raising kids with special needs. Somewhere behind their academics, keeping their kidneys safe and mental health stability. It might be ahead of us teaching chores and allowances though.
The other day at the pool my son eagerly tried to connect with two kids he knows, one of which he’s shared birthday parties with and a sleepover or two and they dismissed him. The other boys were getting ready to leave and my son asked if they wanted to hang out and play. One boy said they were just going to go and play video games so “no, thanks.” My son said, “I like to watch video games, I don’t even have to play…” and they ignored him and left.
He seemed okay but that is what he does, he stuffs it, like he’s done for many years, to protect himself from being hurt. It’s what he’s had to do as a survivor of medical intervention for years and so it carries into the real world. My son is okay in playing with kids but he’s immature compared to his peers so it’s hard to keep up. It’s hard to hang for long periods of times with more than one other person because it’s hard for him to navigate more than one personality. It’s also easier to just do what the other kid wants to do and not appear too young acting.
Our girl also struggles because her play and mind can’t keep up socially. It takes her a while to figure out what other kids are playing and by the time she gets it they’ve moved on. We’re really working on her connection with other girls. Just a couple and I don’t know if it will help, but I hope so. We were especially moved to do this when she was at her first neighborhood swim meet sitting alone with kids she’s known for years. She wasn’t engaged at all, mostly just watching them play. They didn’t notice her at all and she didn’t make herself known.
It’s true, our kids are in the middle, like Rob said. They don’t fit in with either the severely disabled or the neurotypical. I think that they navigate their own worlds by pulling back and I imagine they will do this their entire lives to protect their emotions.
Yet, I push. I arrange play dates with kids who show an interest and seem compassionate and giving in their bandwidth for play. I encourage, like I am encouraging my son to go out to the pool alone to create more opportunities for spontaneous play with other kids. I don’t know if it will help, but I do these things at the same time I want to keep them at home; safe, out the way of kids who dismiss them.
Some comments on Rob’s post suggest that as kids get older their understanding of differences get more broad and maybe more accepting. This sounds nice but then I think about how as my kids get older they also understand their differences with greater clarity and along with that they see why they have less friends than their peers.
I’m really interested in how other parents navigate the world of helping their friends build friendships. How do we prepare them and still protect them?
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About The Author
Julia Roberts
Julia Roberts is founder of Support for Special Needs and has been a regular contributor since its inception in May 2010. A mom to two kids with special needs, she didn't want other parents to feel what is the often isolating world of raising a child (or two!) with disabilities. Her kids had kidney transplants at the age of eight and will need liver transplants in the future as a result of ARPKD/CHF. They both have vision disorders and learning disabilities.
My kiddo is going into 5th grade next year, so we’re still a year away from middle school, but we go through the same struggles you mention in this post. I remember in 3rd grade someone refused to sit by him. He even mentioned it out loud that he didn’t want to sit by him. I could feel the heartbreak and embarrassment he went through, but he stayed strong. I asked him how it made him feel and he said, “fine.” I pushed (of course) and told him that I would feel sad if it happened to me. He then said, “Mom, I’m fine, I’m way smarter than he is anyways.” Tough kid!
Our kids certainly do take it in and it goes somewhere, living inside of them.
My daughter is going into 5th grade next year and I am fearful of middle school. The changes that particularly girls go through effects how they interact and react with other girls. We can completely relate to the stories in the post. It is heart wrenching for a parent to have to watch your child go through these peer situations. My daughter is a very social child and not a day goes by that she does not want to have someone over or wants to plan out her weekend. Our school has done a good job creating social groups to accomodate all children with special needs and to assist with the socializing. My daughter easily makes new friends and where ever we go, someone knows her. BUT, with the delays in processing and her hesistancy to talk in school, many of the children do not know how much fun she can be, therefore, do not think about calling for a playdate or outing. We are also fairly close with the parents of the children my daughter most often “hangs out” with. I am hopeful that all of our children find their niche of friends and grow in those friendships while at the same time worry about the impact those negative social interactions have down the road. With all the studies being done to advance in the medical field I am not sure there is enough being done globally to help our children socially……..that to me is more important than academics.