How do I deal with meltdowns in public?
October 1, 2010 in He Said/He Said by Celebrate Calm
Question: How do I deal with meltdowns in public? How do I deal with strangers making comments or judging me?
Calm Dad Says: Remember that as a parent, your primary responsibility is not how your child behaves, but how YOU behave. The truth is that no matter how great a parent you are, you cannot always control your child’s (or spouse’s!) behavior. But you can always control your emotions. The quickest way to change your child’s behavior is to first control your own.
If you react emotionally out of embarrassment or guilt, your tension will escalate the situation. How many times have we yelled, “I don’t have time for your tantrum right now!” as if our kids are going to glance at their watch and say, “Oh, do you want to reschedule, Mom?” Put out the emotional fire and be the calm, immovable rock they can count on.
If you allow another person’s comment or opinion to cause you to snap at your kids, you are giving some stranger power over your emotions and relationships. Do not give anyone that power. You don’t owe anyone an answer. In the end, the relationship with your child is most important. And when your child sees that you can remain calm and emotionally available to them, even when others are giving dismissive glances, they will feel safe and secure.
Calm Kid Says: When I’m upset and freaking out, it’s usually because I’m feeling out of control of the situation. I don’t need my parents freaking out. That just makes me more upset because now no one is in control of themselves, and it’s just a big scream-fest or threat-fest. When they are yelling or just glaring down at me, it’s not safe to even apologize. What I really need when I’m upset is for my parents to model calm and lead me into a calmer place.
I remember when I was little and I’d throw a tantrum at the playground in front of all the other kids and parents. My Dad would sit down, cross his legs and just say, “You can throw a tantrum if you want. If you do, do it with excellence. But if you want to figure out a better way to deal with feeling disappointed, I’ll go swing with you and we can talk about it.” That helped me to know there was a different way and he wasn’t going to go ballistic on me. And that’s why I trust him when I have teenage issues.
Celebrate Calm Founder Kirk Martin and his son, Casey (17), have trained over 100,000 parents, teachers and kids how to control their emotions through their newsletter, radio show and workshops. Sign up for their newsletter, say hi and learn more about their family-friendly programs at www.CelebrateCalm.com.
Thanks so much for being here…we so appreciate your wisdom and perspective.
Nice to have this perspective. Thanks.
Great perspectives! I can’t wait to read more from both of you.
We have a 4 year old son with autism and a 2 year old with ADHD. Both boys are not potty trained. They both have a tendency to disrobe and worse yet they play in their poop! We invented a sleeper that zips in the back and keeps them out of their diaper. http://www.ikidsfashion.com Thanks a lot!
Thanks for giving us a view into the kid’s head! Very helpful.
Such a great reminder, thank you!
Hi Everyone! Thank you so much for the feedback. We want to be of service to your family and community. Please feel free to email questions to Kirk@CelebrateCalm.com. We can address specific questions via email or through our newsletters. Have a great week.
Kirk
Founder, Celebrate Calm
What do you suggest to do say if your in a store and the meltdown occurs? I usually just keep shopping and just make sure they are not going to hurt themselves while they are melting down. I used to leave the store with my oldest but then I foudn if I did that he knew and would purposely through fits to get out of the store. So now I try to redirect their behaviors and gte their mind distracted. One time I was in Walmart and my son Nick who was 3 at the time was throwing one of his fits. I just continued walking as usually and all of a sudden this guy shouts to me “Shut that kid up” I was so upset . Of course I told him to shut up and reported him to the store. I do not mind the stares I just smile and wave now and try to make the best of things. I am glad we enterain people lol. I gave up trying to control the fits they happen and there is nothing anyone can do until he starts to recognize what he is feeling and how to properly express it.
To Melanie, be sure you prepare your child for the store visit ahead of time. Kids with sensory issues or autism often become very overwhelmed in stores – smells, sounds, lots of visual stimulation. I try to show the child a visual to prepare them: First we are getting these items on my list, then we are going to go look at the toy isle, then we are checking out, then we are driving straight home. We will not be buying any toys today. When we get home, you can watch your favorite movie while I make lunch.” Have a small picture for each activity, and let the child carry it. You can check off each item as you go, and reinforce the control as you go along. This helps increase the control a child feels in the store – he knows you won’t be there forever, he knows in advance if he can get candy or a toy, and he knows what fun thing will follow shopping. It’s so much easier to prepare in advance than to calm down after the meltdown!