Eighty-five
July 21, 2010 in Loved Ones by Robert Rummel-Hudson
Eighty-five percent.
I’ve heard that figure for as long as I can remember, for as long as it was relevant in my life and the lives of my family.
Eighty-five percent of couples who have a child with a disability end up divorcing or splitting up. The number goes higher with the death of a child, I was told, but yeah. Eighty-five percent.
I can’t tell you how many times I heard this figure, from other families with a special needs child, or from a doctor or a therapist, or most often from the media itself. I ran across the eighty-five percent for years, but it wasn’t until after my book was released and my family was profiled by a Fox reporter from Houston named Greg Groogan that this statistic was called into question.
Greg had already done a number of stories focusing on disability issues, and his own child had special needs as well. As a result, he was familiar with that eighty-five percent figure. He’d heard it many times before.
Problem was, he couldn’t verify it.
“I’ve heard that figure so many times,” Greg said to me, “but I’ve looked for a report, any study at all that suggests a figure like that, and I just can’t find it. I can’t find any other statistics, either. But that number just seems to have appeared out of nowhere.”
I couldn’t explain it then, nor can I really make sense of it now, except to say that for parents of special kids, it’s not hard to believe that statistic. We don’t try to confirm or disprove it because when we hear that figure, something inside of us just says, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
When I wrote my memoir, I felt that it was important to discuss my own failures and my own infidelity. My wife and I both strayed, although I was by far the most egregious offender, and looking back, some things jump out.
When you’re in a relationship with a partner and you have a child who is different, or even broken, it seems logical that your partner is going to be the person to whom you can turn when your situation becomes too much for you to face all at once. I’m not sure that’s entirely true, though. Sometimes staring across a table at someone who is just as sad and angry and confused and guilt-ridden as yourself is of small comfort.
Sometimes the flight impulse is overpowering. There are times when you simply can’t be that person, that parent. You need some Clark Kent time, and that’s just not possible some of the time, or even most of the time. The cape doesn’t get to come off very often.
I wish I knew the answers. Julie and I came back from that brink, but we didn’t do so unscathed. And we recognized that our daughter needed us both, and that the old advice that says “staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad idea,” well, that advice isn’t always necessarily true. Julie and I understood that, and we reshaped the narrative of our marriage to fit the reality of our world.
The marriages that work, the ones that survive the stress and the unknown of disability, I suspect that they are the ones where the standard rules and social narratives have been discarded, shattered, broken and reformed. They’ve endured because they found their own way. They make their own rules, they shape their own narratives and they make compromises and sacrifices that most people can’t even imagine.
In doing so, however, they are creating new worlds. If the families that make it are defying the odds, whether it’s that apocryphal eighty-five percent or not, they are also building family structures that exist beyond statistics, wholly original in their form and their operation.
It’s taken me a long time to make peace with the choices and the devil’s bargains we’ve made in order to dodge the eighty-five percent. I struggle with it now. But it’s what we do because it’s what we’ve been given to work with. And the rewards for us are indescribable.
Robert Rummel-Hudson’s first book, Schuyler’s Monster: A Father’s Journey with His Wordless Daughter, tells the story of raising a little girl with a disability and learning to become the father she needs. It was published in February 2008 by St. Martin’s Press and was released in trade paperback in January 2009.
We profiled him in June in honor of Father’s Day.
I have repeatedly heard that 85% statistic as well. The weird part is that I only know ONE disabled child whose parents split up! Every other kiddo I know with special needs has two parents at home still. Honestly, I think having a child with disabilities can bring you CLOSER together. When you have sat together in the hospital, hand in hand, crying over the child who is on their way to dead …. you can’t help but be closer.
So I hear the statistic, and I call BS!
I’ve heard the statistic, too, and wonder if it refers to how many people DESIRE to break up given the strain on the marriage. I believe it’s probably more difficult — financially and logistically — to break up than it is to stay together. I love how you described what happens to a marriage that doesn’t break apart traditionally — that changes radically and morphs into something unique. I think that’s been true of mine — your essay really illuminated that for me and was a relief to read in that I didn’t have to parse through the usual cliches about how things become stronger, love grows, etc. etc.
Thank you, Rob.
I’m divorced with two SN kids and I know a lot of divorced parents of SN kids – none of us felt that our child(rens) diagnosis or SN drew us closer to our ex spouses.
It turned out to be easier for me to raise my kids as a single parent than when I was married – and it is a much healthier environment for my kids.
Such a good article. I really needed this one right now.
I have heard that as well, yet most the parents I know who have special needs kids are still together, including Mr. K and I. There has definitely been a strain on our relationship over the last decade and there is a lot of stress parenting a child with special needs, especially with the other children. Of course, we could still end up in the 85% but I sure hope not.
I have taught students with multiple disabilities for over 30 years. The vast majority of the parents of my students have not divorced and raised their children together. I usually have both parents attending IEP meetings. I have also wondered where that 85% came from. It sounds like one of those statistics like more black men are jail than college that is totally false and much quoted and wildly accepted as truth.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Janis, JuliaRoberts1 and Julia Roberts, JuliaRoberts1. JuliaRoberts1 said: Thrilled to have @rumhud essay up today on marriage & special needs parenting at @supportSN http://bit.ly/duAhNW Thanks Rob. [...]
Thanks Rob for your essay. I can identify with so much in it. We are still finding our way 16 years into marriage and 10 years into special needs parenting. Did special needs parenting bring us closer? Not really, but I do think we are differently united than we would have been had we not had children or had healthy kids. And by different I mean we have to be in sync to keep our kids healthy (and for a time period both alive).
Hi Rob,
I just finished your book “Schuyler’s Monster” last week. I have read several books written by parents of special needs children in the last year as I contemplate writing my own. I have to say, yours was the most enjoyable. Is that weird to say? Well, I have a feeling you know what I mean. I love how you were so honest with your feelings, flaws and failures. By showing your vulnerabilities, you have shown others how to find victory or at least some measure of success. I can see how thru your blog you have been able to generate such support for Schuyler. I already feel like I know her and want the best for her. Thanks again for your heart for your daughter and all families with special needs.
Just FYI…if Schuyler ever wants to attend summer camp, my daughter volunteers at a great one called Camp Barnabas. The main camp is located near Branson MO, but they are doing satellite camps around the country including one in Texas. Extreme Home Makeover helped them restore their camp in 2005 so you can watch their program on YOUTUBE.
Lisa
Lewisville, TX
[...] interesting study in light of Robert’s Eighty-Five [...]
I have never heard that statistic but the first developmental ped. we went to told us in a report our marriage would not last 5 years. Well its 8 years now so I guess they do not know everything. With any marriage its about keeping it alive fresh and new. When you have a child with a disabilty you tend to focus on them but you have to learn everyone is affected and to try and pay attention to everyone. My husband and I do nto get to go out much but we will try to do special things to show we care and I think that is what makes the differnce.
[...] He wrote about the “Eighty-Five” percent here last year. [...]