Don’t Take “NO” for an Answer!
April 5, 2010 in Latest Articles, Loved Ones by Pat Cowan
I have been a home health nurse since 1991 and have cared for patients in the home with problems ranging from respiratory failure and cancer to Alzheimer’s. I have used my clinical knowledge to assess patient’s response to therapy. During my time with my patients, some of my attention is given to their caregivers. I have often said to them “being a caregiver is the best and the hardest job you will ever have”. I have seen many caregivers “burn out” and become unable to continue to help their family member. When we talk about how they take care of themselves, I learn that even though they may have had offers of help from family and friends, I discover that they have often said no to those offers of help.
I have a sister who has two kids with special needs. My background in nursing has given me an appreciation of her role as a Mother and primary “caregiver” for her children. I have seen her use all of her time, energy and emotional resources to care for her children. I have witnessed her family and friends rally around her and her family, and I have seen her say “yes” to offers of help again and again.
Some of the ways that others have helped include some of the basic needs like meals, shopping and laundry…..one friend even matched the socks of the whole family over and over again. I mean hundreds of socks. Another friend grocery shopped every week for a year! She learned exactly how my sister likes her grapes (green and firm), her bananas (barely ripe) and kept up with the ever-changing taste buds of the kids. Many people provide meals and restaurant gift cards…especially during and right after the several hospitalizations of the children.
Many friends and family helped take care of one of the children when the other was at the doctor’s office getting labs or other testing, including picking up from school, to having one or both of the children for occasional overnight (parents need a break to remind themselves of what is it like to be a couple, for goodness sake)! Friends or family met my sister and the children at the doctor’s office to help wrangle the kids, keeping one of them busy while the other is visiting with the MD, and then visa-versa. Invaluable.
People have been so generous and giving of themselves to help my sister and her family. People run errands for her and do yard work without being asked and even sometimes call her up for a quick dinner and movie. I have watched how my sister continues to surround herself with family and friends; I continue to be amazed at her ability to say “yes” to offers those that care about her, her husband and their children. Do you know what that means? It means she can continue to be the ‘caregiver” that her children need her to be.
So, if you know someone who is a “caregiver”, don’t take no for an answer!
Author Pat Cowan is sister to Julia Roberts, co-founder of the site, who is forever and ever grateful for Aunt Pat’s help, love and support!
A beautiful reminder – not just to say yes, but to offer that help when you can. Having been the recipient of some of that kind of help a few years back, I concur. It is invaluable.
But, oh, if the caregiver says “no,” please respect that too. Sometimes people want to “help” in ways that just really, really aren’t helpful. Ask what you can do, offer suggestions, but if the caregiver declines a certain service, please accept it. Sure, keep offering different things or see if there are other ways to help. But sometimes people “help” and it ends up giving me more stress or costing me an extra 2-3 hours to pull things back together after the “help.”